I Think I Remember Stuff... No Wait, I Forgot...

Okay, so I've been sucktastic at keeping up my LJ lately. And honestly, it's pretty quiet here now anyway. So, if you want to keep up with me blog wise, look me up on MySpace (jezebelmel) and subscribe to my blog.

Okay, so the pre-holiday dumpring trend continues for Meldowee... Last weekend Pete told me that he felt things weren't working out and didn't want to see me anymore. He said that his schedule is too full for me to spend the amount of time I want with him. And that was that. I still have his kick ass hat and won't be returning it unless he asks nicely.

Some friends back in Maine just recently got the axe from their significant others as well. To those people, I feel ya and am right there with you. You're not alone in being left alone.

Bill was here for a short bit this weekend which rocked. I always have a good time with him. We got lost in Dorchester (if you're familiar at all with Boston you know that Dorchester is not a place to get lost, but at least you're safer in a car, which we were) and ended up on all corners of the city (including Cambridge) before finally making it to my house in JP. *lol*

I had my tarot cards read Friday night and the guy could sense my sexual tension. *lol* I guess it's pretty obvious. He said that I need to me "more gracious with (my) gratitude" but I thought I was already really good about that. Hmm... But he did tell me immediately upon sitting down with me that I'm psychic (I do actually believe that I have incredible intuition and possess some telepathic powers) and that he sees me reading palms soon. He suggested a book to me which I might have time to check out at Barnes and Noble (I'm on vacation from the kids this week). Palmistry (is that a word) is worth looking into as there's money to be made there. My ten minute tarot card reading was $20 plus tip (which Elizabeth, my boss picked up). So, who knows...

I applied for a resident director position at Central Maine Community College in Auburn. It's not really the work I want to do but it provides free room and board, which is probably what I really NEED at this point so I can channel my money into digging myself out of debt and rebuilding my credit. So, I guess there's a potential homecoming.

I'll be spending a week in Florida in April with my friend Percy. He lives maybe 5 minutes from my sister and her family so I'll be spending time with them too. I'm hoping that since I'll be 25 by the time I go, that I can rent a car for a day or so and go up to Melbourne and see Sam and maybe David and BJ if they wanna see me.

I was wandering around the city today (the cold makes me happy) and got lost and stumbled upon a textile store between Downtown Crossing and Chinatown. I've been in the market for drapes but they're hard to come by around here unless you want to pay over $30 per panel... So yeah, this place is going out of business and I managed to get enough material to cover both windows for under $25! The fabric I settled on was normally priced at like $8.50 per yard and I got it for $4, which was below cost, according to the guy. So that's my project for this week.

Oh, and I had my doctor's appointment on Friday and everything has come back normal. I do have a couple of prescriptions to pick up from CVS but I have to clear up some stuff with MassHealth so I'm not stuck paying the $80 I'm expected to pay.

Does anyone have any cute single friends they're willing to set me up with? Anyone who actually LIKES spending time with their girl? Send them my way!

I posted a huge update because I figured people would want to know where I've been and what's been going on and no one has anything to say about it. :(

OMG I owe you guys an update and a half! Sorry I've been non-existant around here. I've been going non-stop since I came back from Christmas vacation and rarely ever get on the computer anymore. I'm taking advantage of the hour and a half or so I have to myself this morning and having my computer actually on-line, which like never happens. Hopefully the Internet will hold up long enough for me to post this. If not I might be able to save it and post it later.

( Read more... )

Well, bowling last night was pretty much a bust. We got to the bowling alley a early for Galactic Bowling, so we sat in the parking lot drinking Miller Lite and eating beef jerky. We felt like redneck drunks and it was pretty funny.

I ended up giving Rico my number and dared him to call me and he did. I actually missed his call, noticed his number on my missed calls list and called him back. We talked for about ten minutes or so. It was nice. Then I called Alex Davis (this guy Danielle and I both went to school with) and Rachael (a girl I met in City Year who lives in Maine now) to try to get them to come bowl with us, but neither was home.

Danielle's friend never made reservations for us to bowl and Galactic Bowling was all sold out. :( We ended up renting a lane for about 45 minutes and managed to get in a game and a half. Her friend was with her boyfriend and was being kind of a lame-ass. Danielle and I decided to go out to the Old Port in Portland but the other girl didn't want to go, so we went just the two of us.

Right after we parked the car, my phone rang and it was Mark. Danielle told me not to answer it, but my heart started pounding out of my chest and I answered it anyway. I didn't have long to talk to him so only stayed on the phone for a couple minutes, heart racing the whole time. He sounded like he was a lot better (about the break-up) but we didn't say "I heart you" at the end of this conversation. I told him I'd call him next week once I was back home and settled into my routine again and he said that would probably be better anyway. The whole thing left me with a cold feeling. Not cold against anyone or anything, but more like the hollow, empty cold feeling. We'll see where that whole thing goes...

When Danielle and I got into the bar, there were girls dancing up on the bar. I felt old immediately. Most of the people there were definitely the party hardy college kid crowd. Unless I'm drunk and already planning to go out specifically to drink and dance, I'm more of the stand around and chill kind of person. It doesn't help that Danielle can completely tear up the dance floor, either. She's amazing. So I just felt like a dork until she stopped dancing. Her brother randomly showed up with his girlfriend, which was funny. We were in the same Spanish class my freshman year. He was a year ahead of me. He was a jock back then but now he's a commercial fisherman with a big bushy beard. He didn't remember me at all and he ended up drinking a whole icy conch shell of Long Island Iced Tea virtually by himself. Once he finished that and got completely blitzed, he and his girlfriend left. Danielle and I stayed a bit longer, but she decided it was time to go. No one hit on me, which was whatever. There were only like two guys there I wouldn't have minded. Well, one of them actually approached me, well, kind of. His ugly friend approached us and then I saw the cuter one and he was kinda in left field, so I complimented him on his coat. Then he told me about this sweet weed he got off someone, took it out of his pocket and had me smell it. It smelled strong, but not the kind of smell I'd typically go for. I don't really know what happened after that, but we ended up losing them. Something about the guy didn't seem quite right to Danielle. She said he smelled like a weird spice. *lol* I thought he was alright, but that might be because I'm rebounding... But yeah. I just wasn't exciting enough for that bar.

My dad called at 8:30 this morning. He came by at around 10 and we went out for breakfast at the local diner. We had a nice conversation and it didn't really feel all that awkward most of the time. It was a nice change. He asked about my post-college plans and so I talked about the AD job in Foxboro I really want. He says that a few weeks ago my army brother had called him and said he was being shipped to Iraq for Round 3 (!) sometime within the next three weeks. So we think he's probably already there. (shakes head) Fuckin George Bush...

Anyway, I've been mostly sitting around the house on my ass all afternoon. While Mom and Al were grocery shopping, Gizmo and I stayed in and watched VH1. I was waiting to hear from David and kept checking for him out the window (he doesn't have a cell phone to call me from). I ended up getting a MySpace message from him about an hour ago saying that the show might be cancelled and he'd let me know once he found out. I hope I get to see him as this was going to be the last time we hung out before I went back to Beantown. :( I really enjoy his company.

a picture from the elk farm on Christmas Eve, totally doesn't look like a Maine Christmas...

I wanted to write more about my vacation thus far but Rico just came on-line and I've been really enjoying talking to him over the past few days so I'll update tomorrow probably.

Well, I've done pretty well so far to surround myself with friends while I've been up here in Maine. It seems to be the only thing keeping my mind off Mark. I hung out with Bill for a good part of the day on Saturday. He's been a really good friend to me. When I knew him back in high school, I never would have guessed that he'd turn out to be one of my best friends here. I see him every time I come up and we always have a good time. We ran into Lewiston so he could pick up a last minute Christmas gift for the girl he's getting back together with and then we went back to his house where he laid with me and cuddled me for a while. It really hit the spot and it was exactly what I needed at that moment.

Sunday, Christmas Eve, Justin came down from Bangor (bearing flowers and homemade goodies) and we did the elk farm thing again. It was a little disappointing this year as only one of them had antlers and they were so small that they just looked like horns. All the elk pretty much seemed interested in eating the hay and weren't feeling coming to the fence to visit us. So we left, stopped by Snow Falls for a while (another place we always hit up when he's in town) on our way to Pizza Hut. I never eat there but I got a coupon the last time I was there. I had to explain to the waitress that sausage isn't always just pork as I'd asked for no sausage on my pizza and it came with it anyway. They told her in the kitchen that it was beef, so then came the explanation. Justin and I went back to the brand new elementary school that was built directly across the street from my parents' house and sat on the swings for a while, but I had a really quick onsest of diarrhea and had to go back to the house. We sat around in front of the TV for a while then Justin went home.

Aaron (my little brother) came by a while later and we called up Brandon, an old friend of ours from high school. We met up with him and followed him to this girl's house, where the girl Bill's getting back together with also lives (but she wasn't there). It kinda sucked though because Aaron and I felt kind of ignored and we were basically just sitting there. We all smoked a bit and watched Thank-You for Smoking and Bill ended up showing up. I wish Brandon didn't suck so much at hanging out because I'd like to spend more time with him, but not if I'm going to feel left out. That's kinda the last thing I need to feel right now. Ironically enough, he's best friends with and lives with this guy Travis who I used to hang out with a lot like nine or ten years ago. I haven't seen the guy since high school. Brandon invited me to the house for New Year's Eve, but I don't know how much I want to hang out there with them. I dunno.

Micah had shown an interest in spending time together today, but I haven't been able to get in touch with him since Saturday. I even called his parents' house where he's staying but no one picked up so I'm not sure where he is. I'd like to see him though. And an old friend Kiernan may be coming to the area to see someone else he hasn't seen in a long time and might swing by and see me too. We used to be close, but over the past couple of years he's been really distant. I've kinda almost given up on him a few times now. I just don't hold my breath for him anymore. It's a shame since we used to be such good friends.

I'm thinking of adopting a ferret from the ASPCA when I go back to Boston. The adoption fees are only like $25 and they come with all their shots and stuff they need, and a cage too. I'd just have to convince my landlord first. I'm hoping that a ferret will be small and harmless enough to be allowed to have one. I think having a furry friend might help me feel more adequate and wanted.

Okay, well there will be no Happy New Year for me again this year. I just got off the phone with Mark and I guess the distance thing has taken more of a toll on him than I had imagined. So we're not dating anymore. I'm a fucking mess. He's not an asshole for any of this although he feels like he is. I think it's great that he was honest with me. He still cares about me so much and it's only really about the geographic distance. It makes me want to move there even more now (knowing that's the only thing that's causing what has happened) but less so now that we're not dating. He said that the distance has made him feel like he hasn't had anyone. He knows we were doing all we could do. It's not about me not doing enough for him. It's just the fucking plot of land between PA and MA. Fuck New York, who needs it anyway? He wants to come up to Boston really badly to see me. But yeah, I won't be making my trip to PA after Christmas. He thinks that things will be weird right now.

(cries a bit harder)

So I guess I'm going to have to gear up for another New Year's alone and depressed. I really was looking forward to not having to repeat last year's fiasco, but that just won't be happening.

Aside from finishing school, I don't feel like I have a whole lot to look forward to now. I bought my plane tickets over a month ago and since then it's practically all I've been able to think about.

(bawling)

I just wasn't ready for this at all. I didn't even see it coming. God, I don't know what I'm going to do. I just feel so alone but at the same time I don't want anybody anyway. If it's not him, I just want to be left alone to go through these feelings. I don't want anyone calling me to try to make me feel better. I don't want people who weren't going to call me to now feel bad for me and decide to call me and not talk about it to make it look like they were just thinking about me. Please, just leave me to feel the hurt I must feel. You can comment, sure, but none of this new age, hippie, feel-good bullshit.

So, my wallet was stolen Wednesday while I was working at the shop. My bank card and SS card (please DON'T lecture me about that as I've already gotten it twice and DON'T need to hear it again) were in it. I only was carrying $2.25 cash and I had a duplicate of my driver's license in my shoulder bag. But yeah, after having my house burglarized and the only photos I had of my boyfriend and I were lifted, I don't need to have my wallet stolen five days before Christmas.

I had a shitty morning this morning too. It was supposed to be laid back... I was going to take the bus into Harvard, get some cash out of the bank (since I'm without my ATM card right now, I have to withdraw money from an actual branch during business hours), buy a hip new wallet and then catch the Red Line into South Station and catch my noon bus into Maine. I then changed my mind and decided I could get everything done in the Copley area. So I walked to the JP library (it's on the 39 bus route that goes to Copley) and got a new card. At the bank, after being belittled by this Puerto Rican asshole, the teller told me my entire account was frozen (I'd called customer service Wednesday evening and requested a freeze on my card only and was told that's what they did). The teller disappeared for like 10 minutes on the phone and when she returned, she said the only person authorized to unfreeze the account wasn't available so she left a message on her voice mail and told me that I could wait around for her to be called back. When I asked if I, the owner of the account, could lift the freeze, make the withdrawal I wanted and reinstate the freeze she said no and THEN (finally) suggested I talk to one of the bankers at a desk. At this point, I'd been in that goddamn bank for about 20 minutes (I was planning to go to the Sanrio store on Newbury Street right after to buy a cute wallet, but with this mega delay, that wasn't to be) and was on the brink of tears. Luckily the girl at the desk knew what she was doing, lifted the freeze, made sure a new card would be sent to me and took the time to verify my address. I thanked her from the bottom of my heart and was able to get the cash I wanted to take out in the first place. I then rushed towards the Bay Bay station and on the way almost got hit by an erratic asshole driver who had the audacity to honk rudely at ME when he was the one driving way too fast and obviously not paying attention to his surroundings as I looked before starting to cross the side street and no one was coming. Even the people around me were like "what's with THAT guy?!!?" I shouted a strong "FUCK YOU!" at the car and continued on my way. I would have flipped him off but I was wearing mittens. *lol* I rushed and even ran in some parts, but I made it to the bus gate in time. I was the last person there and it actually worked out because the first bus filled up so they brought a second bus, which I caught. This bus only had maybe 6-8 people on it, so it was nice.

Now I'm in Maine and feeling SO MUCH BETTER! My mom found a professional suit she had back when she was a size 9/10 (about 4 or 5 years ago) that she gave me. It's black, so now I have a grey one and a black one. My dress shoes are black, so that's cool.

We're supposed to get a real gross sleet/freezing rain/snow storm tomorrow so we're probably all going to hunker down here at the house. I might try to write my Spanish paper so I won't have to deal with it later when I'm at Mark's house. Justin plans to drive down from Bangor on Sunday to do our second annual Christmas Eve Elk Farm Visit. :) It was really cute and fun last year so I'm looking forward to it this year. Then Christmas then Mark's house.

There's precipitation on Mother Nature's docket for Tuesday which makes me nervous. I'm on a direct flight to Philly at 7:30 AM on US Airways. I'm hoping that since it's so early I'll be able to miss all the shit falling from the sky. I'm supposed to be in Philadelphia by like 9:30. Mark won't know his schedule that day for work until tomorrow. I just hope my flight doesn't get screwed. Wish me luck!

Mark texted me while I was at the after-school yesterday and told me to call him. So I thought something bad was up. Usually he'll just call me if he has something to tell me about, so... But he just wanted to talk. :) He told me it'd been forever since we'd last talked and apologized for being so busy lately. I told him it was really no big deal, but he said he should have called me "a long time ago." We weren't on the phone long, maybe 15-20 minutes tops, but it was really really nice. I am leaning more towards dropping the L Bomb now. I'm still going over it in my mind and honestly in the end, it will probably all just depend on the moment and if I do it or not, I bet it will follow no contemplation at all.

Oh! And he heard about a hip hop recording studio right in Allentown from his brother and finally stopped by and talked to the two guys running it yesterday evening. Apparently they like what he knows and he likes what they're into so... He said that if things work out well for him at that place, he'll just move to Allentown instead of Philly. My only concern with that would be whether or not he'd get enough work there to sustain himself. He said that the guys opened it just as a side project for them so... I dunno. But I'm happy for him about the prospect nonetheless.

I went all goth today. My black platforms and fishnets and all. Just no makeup. I don't know what prompted me to go all black today. My mood has been really f'ed up lately anyway. I didn't come out of my room all weekend (essentially) and have gone to bed at 8 the last two nights. I'm not depressed. I am thinking that time goes by quicker when I'm asleep and I just want to get through this week and start my vacation. I'll be in Maine in three days and at Mark's house in a week.

Daniel left food out on the counter all night last night. It was there when I came home at 6 PM and was still there when I woke up at 6 AM. I clean up after myself and am REALLY getting sick of the common areas being a pig sty. So I left a politely nasty note about the food this morning: "This is absolutely disgusting. This is a common area and should be kept clean for others. PLEASE clean up after yourself." I had to stop by the house real quick after before-school (Daniel and Jessie are gone to work by then) and noticed the food was put away and the counter AND stove top had been wiped down. Damn straight, the way it SHOULD be. He's taken over the living room too and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to be quiet about it. Maybe part of why I don't come out of my room anymore is because all the common areas are either taken over by someone else's personal property or are not kept clean. I JUST WANNA LIVE BY MYSELF!

Okay, so I got thinking about the whole antisocial thing this weekend and came to a conclusion... I think that I avoid socializing because if people aren't around, I'm not annoyed by them. I don't know why people annoy me so much. I do try to live by the live and let live principle. Perhaps I am and my way of letting live is by staying out of the way. But yeah, I managed to avoid human contact all weekend and was totally okay with it. I'm like a roach around the house most times as I usually only come out of my room when people aren't out and about and when I'm outside my room I hope that no one comes out. Weird. It's not that I don't like my roommates. I do. I just don't feel like being social. I notice that I come out even less when Ben (Jessie's boyfriend) is there, which is every weekend. I like Ben too, but he just laughs the whole time he's there and he has one of those laughs that makes him sound like an idiot. Having him around sounds like a weekend-long stoner movie, and he's not even a stoner! So I think that at least part of the whole thing about me avoiding people is that I just really want to live by myself again. I hope that if I decide to move to Philly that I'll be able to have my own place. Then I wouldn't have to close cupboard doors behind other people or have to suck up and deal with a roommate completely taking over the "family room" and making it a pig sty. And if I can't seem to find a fork when I need one, it means that I have been lazy and not doing my dishes. I tend to be a follower in a lot of situations (I feel it's easier that way) but when it comes to where I live, I want to be in control of my surroundings.

I find it a bit surreal that I'll be at Mark's house again NEXT WEEK! I'm so excited, even though I know he'll still be working. I know he just wants to see me too but I still try not to bring it up anymore (after the "mleh" response that one time). I know he's looking forward to it too, deep down inside. But yeah. Since I know he's going to be working, I'll be bringing a few books with me, my Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (and I finally figured out that he's Phaedrus!) and definitely J.D. Lowry's The Giver which is one of my favorite books even though I read it and understood it back in 5th grade. I don't know if I'll bring a third one or not.

I just have to get through this week. Tracey is out tomorrow and Donna is on vacation, so I will most likely have all the before-school kids by myself. Donna offered to have this annoying Greek woman Maria from the after-school help me out on Tuesday and I begged her just to let me have the kids myself, even though there's like 30 of them. *lol* Maria is more of a thorn in my side and she just pisses me off. I'm better without her. Most likely we'll all be crammed in the science room with Homeward Bound anyway. But no work on Friday at all. I'm getting on a bus to Maine at noon that day. Yay! Mom's getting out an hour early from work to get me, so she'll probably be in good spirits.

So, I've been thinking lately that I really don't have friends. I mean, I have friends like Chanele and Danielle, but they're far away and they're not like the friends I get to hang out with and stuff. As far as Boston goes, I don't have friends. There was that guy Charlie I hung out with for a while, but then he started acting shady and so I don't hang out with him anymore. My roommates and I don't hang out together. Jessie's all about Ben and doesn't really seem interested in hanging out with anyone else. I don't know if this whole friend thing is me or what. I feel like I had a social life in Florida, pretty much. More so than I've had here. I just think about how Mark's friends play such an important role in his life, then I look at myself and see how socializing is just something that isn't happening for me. That's why I talk his ear off when we're on the phone. He wonders how I can have so much to talk about. It's because I don't really get to talk to anyone else. I'd really like for this to change. I don't know why it is that when there IS someone I have hung out with, it never lasts. I hung out with Cobra that one time back in like September or so, but then he never called me again nor returned my phone calls. Charlie got all weird. I hung out with Faete Hughes (she's in the swapping world, some of you may know her) a few times and liked her and her boyfriend a lot, but in the back of my mind I felt like I was intruding on their privacy, whether or not I really was. I dunno. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have mixed feelings about our weather here. I'm bummed that it doesn't feel like Christmas, but at the same time, I LOVE that it all has seemed like an extension of fall, my favorite season. It's absolutely gorgeous outside today. I wish I had my bike here as it would be a pretty good day to hop on and go wherever it takes me. If I were in Florida, I certainly would do it. I think instead I may head up to the arboretum with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance that I just started the other day.

I've been in contact with my academic advisor at Cortland this week and I really DO only have lit and then I'll have my B.A.! It's been six year since I started college and it just feels surreal to be basically done. I can't imagine how I'll feel in May or June when I'm done with the class and REALLY done with everything! The feeling is actually a little overwhelming and I don't really know how to be about it. I can't describe the feeling in my chest at the moment... I'm not sure which lit class I'll be taking yet or where. I have to wait to hear back from Cortland to see which ones they'll say are okay. I'd like to stay at Harvard as their classes are at night and I can make it there okay, but like I said, it will all depend on what Cortland says is acceptable or not. I also inquired about courses at Boston College, Lesley University, Cambridge College, Northeastern, Roxbury Community College and maybe others. I don't remember.

Mark and I texted for a bit last night after I'd gone to bed and I think he said the singlemost sweetest thing he's said to me so far: "If I could be with only one person right now, it would be you. I love my friends and all... but I heart you." It made me go "aww" out loud. I'm torn about whether or not I deserve him, too. I've done some really awful things to people I cared about and feel that for that reason I don't deserve him, but at the same time, I look at all the times in my life I've been shafted (either by men I've dated or by the system or just unfortunate events and situations I've been dealt) and think that it's about time I've gotten someone like him who genuinely cares so much about me...

I think my new book has made me very pensive over the past few days...

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me - it can only be one word long. Then copy and paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.

I sent Mark a message yesterday about feeling like he didn't want me to visit. He replied and I got it this morning: "I want you to come! I know I haven't been to great lately but I just have been stressed out and just frustrated that I can't see you. Don't read too much into this I want to be with you. I'm sorry" So there we go. I guess I over-reacted a little, big surprise there... The other part of me was thinking that this might have been the case anyway, so that's why I didn't go ahead and cancel or break-up or anything (despite Elizabeth's advice). But hopefully now that he knows (perhaps) how I take that kind of negativity, maybe he'll supress it a little bit. I also hope that my being there will bring a little more joy into his life, even if it's only for like a week.

So Mark is still all dumpy. He called me last night and we stayed on the phone for an hour, but it pretty much sucked. He said he wasn't grumpy, just doesn't like talking about nothing on the phone. But he was ACTING grumpy. :( I think that maybe ONE thing I said the whole time got as much as a chuckle out of him. Even when I pointed out that I'd be there in two weeks, it was greeted with a "mleh." So yeah, this time I got that feeling of "awful that sticks with you." :( I had a hard time getting to sleep last night because I kept getting the feeling that he might not even want me to visit. I spent $200 that I really didn't have to spare on this flight and I do NOT want to go through with it if he doesn't want me to come, as much as I'm dying to see him. But yeah, after last night, that urge to go see him is a bit weaker. It's really unfortunate. I dunno, I guess the way I feel about it is that someone's girlfriend or boyfriend (especially when you never see each other and don't get to talk much) should be a source of happiness. Yeah, work sucks, you're tired, but you're on the phone with your girl/boyfriend, all that shit should go away for the time. But it just hasn't been going away. :( So yeah, this is troubling me. Any thoughts?

So, Tracey's leaving the after-school program after Christmas vacation, leaving me the only lead teacher in the whole program. :( Donna knows she'll need to hire someone else, but goddamn! I know the child/teacher ratio last year was 10:1 and now I'm hearing that this year it's 20:1. I'm wondering if this is official or what Donna's just saying to make her look like she's doing everything right. I never did hear about the talks about my pay, either. Grumble.

I'm in the process of figuring out which literature class I'll be taking for the spring and where I'll be taking it. The Irish lit class Cortland had approved for me at Harvard is not being offered this spring, so I have to start all over again. They're only offering one that I'm interested in (Literature and Visual Arts), but I'll have to wait and see which ones Cortland approves. I hope I'll have enough time... They're probably starting their finals now and I still have to print up the course descriptions and get them mailed out. I'm pretty nervous.

I'm hoping I have enough money to take the bus up to Maine for Christmas vacation. I don't really feel comfortable with Micah now after he tried getting me to make out with him on the ride back to Boston after Thanksgiving. :-/

So yeah, I'm thinking that my bubbly happiness has gone away, at least for now. I hate being this pessimistic. I guess I'm really living vicariously through Mark. :-/

Hmm...

It's trivia night again. Daniel can't go anymore because he has meetings every Wednesday from now through April. Boo. I guess Ben's planning to go so I'll try it this week. If it sucks again, I think I'm going to have to tell the Farnkoff that I won't be coming anymore. Please God don't let it suck...

I guess Donna is having someone come to the school today to talk about my pay. Lead teachers are allocated $15 an hour and we have empty lead teacher positions. So there's no reason at all that I shouldn't be making that. I am still really frustrated with the Boys and Girls Club, but I'm kinda thinking it's just Boston, and my CLC (community learning center) especially. I had to go to a new hire orientation on Monday so I met other people from other clubs around the city and they seem really happy with their jobs. So I'm thinking that Donna fucked up my paperwork and it wasn't really the HQ. But I noticed that on some papers HR gave us at the orientation had me listed as a teacher rather than a lead teacher. She did fix it once I brought it up, though. There was a guy there who landed a job as an assistant to an athletic director, which made me so jealous! I didn't even know they HAD athletic directors there! I looked through some papers to see if there were any more openings for that, but of course there aren't. But it's encouranging to know that there might be those opportunities for me in Philly. Maybe the Boys and Girls Club there is more "on."

Speaking of Philly, Mark's in the stages where he's trying to get things lined up for him there. He's really frustrated with the whole thing because he's on a six day work week and can't coordinate with his friend he's moving there with. He's also getting worn out of his work routine and says he's not able to really have an outlet for anything (i.e. skating). So I explained to him that things always seem like a failure in the middle. I assured him that things will work out and he will get what he wants. He doesn't really believe it right now, but it's just because he's feeling down and out. But even when he's gripy for an hour, he still apologized to me about it. He didn't take it out on me like Micah would. It makes it much easier for me to handle and deal with when he does it this way. I mean, I feel awful for him, but it's not the kind of awful that stays with you and makes you feel awful about yourself. I still managed to smile practically the whole time while I was talking to him, which I assured him of. I didn't want him to think that he was bringing me down with him. I hope he'll feel better when I get there or at least me being there will make him feel better. If not, I'm not sure what to do. :( I know he'll be much happier once he's in Philly.

Not a whole lot new has happened since my last post.

I had a great time with Bill. We smoked so much pot it was kinda crazy. I guess it's a normal thing for him, but I don't smoke much so I was pretty woo the whole day. I bought a bowl too so I guess I'm now officially a pothead, but I still wouldn't really classify myself that way. I don't have anything to put in it so right now it's just a pipe.

Micah wanted me to make out with him on the ride home Sunday but I told him that I couldn't. He tried guilting me into it by saying that it hurts him that I'll put up these walls for "a guy you hardly know and not for me." That really bothered me. I'm easily guilted because I'm caring and compassionate and he knows that. He was trying to drill into my weak spot to get what he wanted, but I didn't give it to him. So I think I might need to keep away from him for a while, even if it means I'll have to take a bus up to Maine for Christmas.

I'm still missing Mark like balls. I've been calling like every day, which when I notice I'm doing it I'll try to stop. His ex was real obssessive and I guess she'd get pissed if he didn't pick up the phone so he REALLY doesn't want me to get like that. I've been that way with Micah when we were together, but I would only get pissed when I knew he had the day off and is just sitting around the house not answering my call. I know that Mark always picks up when he's able to. It's frustrating sometimes when I really miss him and just want to hear his voice, but I don't get pissed about it. He doesn't get the psycho girlfriend vibe from me at all, and he'd tell me if he did, so we're straight.

I'm thinking of buying him train tickets to come up to Boston and give them to him for Christmas/birthday. It's still close to $200 though so I don't know if I'll be able to swing it. It's what I REALLY want to get him, though. We'll see what happens. The thing with the train tickets is that there's a six month window in which you can travel with them, so he could basically pick a time to come up, hop a train and it's done.

I'm sicker than a fuckin dog. :( My sinuses are all infected and gross and it sucks ass. I want nothing more than to be in bed right now, but Elizabeth is in Maine and there's no one to cover the store. So I have to be there from open to close. Grr... I usually don't mind doing it, but I just feel so shitty today. :( Is it Friday yet?

Well, Thanksgiving was awesome. I laughed A LOT and it was the most fun I've had with my family in a long time.

Mark went to a party last night, which always makes me feel weird. I don't know why. I know he's not going to go off and do anything with anyone that I wouldn't be okay with, but for some reason I get to a heightened level of paranoia about it when I know he's out partying. He was sick for a while but I guess he's feeling better... I miss him so goddamn much. It's gotten worse since I booked my plane tickets for post-Christmas. The time will go by quickly though.

I'm having such a hard time finding anything promising for jobs in Philly. I found a YMCA that is hiring a program director. They're taking resumes until the 30th, but I'm sure they're looking for someone to start before I'd be ready to. I also found the athletic director association for PA on-line. I can get a student membership for just $20. There wasn't a link to any job postings on the web site but I would think that the members would somehow have access to job postings... But yeah, currently I'm pretty frustrated with the whole lack of job prospects thing. I know it's probably a little early to be looking, but if I decide to move there, I want to make certain I have a job lined up.

I'm hanging out with Bill all day tomorrow which should be fun. He's getting a tattoo and I'm going to tag along for that. I've never seen anyone get ink done.

I just sneezed and it cracked my lower back. Weird...

I'm supposed to write a paper about some of the stories we read in Spanish class, but I'm totally not feelin it. I was supposed to have had it done last week but I didn't realize. The computer I'm using randomly freezes too, which makes me nervous. I really should try to do it tonight, though... :(

I had lunch with my first gymnastics coach today, which was cool. Sounds like she has a really good team this year, which is exciting.

...as posted in Mark's MySpace blog...

Some new things have been arise in structure (...I'm attached to) called life. here are some of the highlights...

- I'm not single... meaning in myspace terms," In a Relationship"... Wasn't expecting it... but quite happy with it. It surpises me that it's working as well... as well.

Yay! I was the first item of business. That usually means the first one on someone's mind. :) I'm so arrogant... *lol*

Okay, so having more time to think about it, the plan now stands that I will just keep the jobs I have now through the end of spring. I plan to return to Woodward next summer and save up money so I can move to Philly at the end of the summer and start my career there. I'd like to either work in a school or work as a City Year Philadelphia staff member (i.e. like a REAL job with benefits like a salary and that don't include food stamps). So, in the meantime, I have to finish my degree and take the Praxis so I can be certified and ready to go if I decide to teach. And also maybe getting my athletic director certification. Ideally, I'll have a job lined up by the time I get to Woodward or shortly thereafter.

Mark is planning to move to Philly in the spring and therefore may not be at Woodward. :( Boo. But that's okay. He could still make it up sometimes.

Anyway, that's my big news, sorta. It's not really news at all, but you get what I mean...

Oh, and I guess we both have theme songs picked out for each other. Mine for him is Air's "Sexy Boy" (which I think might be too mainstream for his liking) and he has a bunch for me, none of which I recognized. He's so indie. But yeah, I was glad to know that I'm not the only one dorky enough to pick out a theme song for someone. *lol* We're perfect for each other.

Oh, I've been kinda stressed out as things are starting to pick up and I'm actually really busy. I've been working in the shop every weekday from 12-2 or 2:30, plus usually all or part of Saturday. Plus the two jobs at the school five days a week. It's tough not really having the time in between before and after school anymore. I used to make it up to Harvard to get my homework done, but I don't have that option anymore, which means that I have to push it to some evening, either Monday or Tuesday. And I'm planning to start swimming tomorrow, too. Pool membership is just $30 annually. Can't go wrong with that. So the day I decide to go to Harvard for homework will also have to be the day I get up super early to swim. erg